Facing Grief and the New Year

Holidays can be tough for those who have recently lost someone dear. For me, the New Year took place almost a year after my wife’s passing on the prior January 21st. All the grief counseling books tell you to brace yourself for important holidays and anniversaries, which can trigger memories and unlooked for bouts of grief, especially during the first year or so following the loss. I had weathered Christmas reasonably well, most likely owing to my being surrounded by my loving family. But I was unprepared for how the first “dropping of the ball” in Times Square would affect me.

First of all, January is a dark and lonely time, without much sunlight (strength, duration) where I reside. So when grief strikes, as it often does like a sudden flash flood, it is easy to sink into despair. It is cold…and dark…and lonely…and I am NOT just talking about the weather. For the first time in my life, I began to use and benefit from an S.A.D. light. (My departed wife suffered from “seasonal affective disorder,” or depression and sleep disruption resulting from light deprivation in the dark winter months—I used to refer to her obnoxious broad spectrum white light box as the “shekinah glory,” since you could see and feel the glow from two rooms away!) To this day I still use her light box during the dark times of January!

Second, I succumbed to my loneliness for the first time, and did some irrational things. I was in an “all of a sudden” panic to find someone to replace Karen, and the sooner the better! Yes (and I am embarrassed to admit it), I signed up on one of the many internet match-making services. But as soon as I had a nibble, I remember canceling my subscription in a panic—I was ill-prepared for the mid-life dating scene. (You can read about a much better and thoughtful approach in my book—“Transforming the Valley of Grief: Men Finding Hope and Their Way Following the Loss of a Love One” --available on amazon.com.)

If you or someone you know is facing his first not-so-happy New Year, having recently lost someone dear—be prepared for 1) the dark and lonely days of January, and 2) irrational decisions that can be made in the depths of loneliness. I know…I’ve been there!