Spring: a Welcome Reprieve from Grief
There is just something about the return of the sun and warmer temperatures for those recovering from the loss of a loved one. Perhaps it is those therapeutic walks in the sunshine. Perhaps it is the longer days of sunlight. Or perhaps it is the new life in the green shoots peeking out from under last fall’s decaying leaves, or in the noisy chatter of all the birds. But spring is definitely a relief…I know it was for me after losing my wife of 30+ years to cancer in January of 2005.
One of my strong recommendations is to find a means to get away from where you live, and where that loved one also lived, oh so recently. I took a sabbatical for 2-months. I know what you must be thinking—it must be nice to be a college professor! But there are many ways to achieve a low-cost getaway. For instance, live out of a suitcase in a friend’s spare room for a few weeks. Use that time 1) to get away from all those reminders of her (I am writing from a widower’s perspective), 2) to get out into nature (hopefully you can find a creation-accessible spot—in most towns there are great nature trails and parks, whether right downtown or nearby), and 3) to draw near to God.
As I describe in my book, “Transforming the Valley of Grief” (Xulon Press, also available on Amazon.com), block memory of Scripture was a huge help to me—especially the 23rd and 57th Psalms. And those nature walks were amazing. It is there that God met with me and healed (to a large degree) my wounded soul. He used nature and His Word like a defibrillator to stop my spastic, grieving heart, and restart it again with a more normal rhythm. God is good. You need to rediscover that for yourself, and a getaway is a potentially powerful way to experience Him for yourself. I know…I was there…where you may be right now…in the Valley of Grief. And He met me there! “The Lord is my shepherd…He restores my soul…He leads me in paths of righteousness…” And he transforms Valleys of Grief!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Facing Grief and the New Year
Holidays can be tough for those who have recently lost someone dear. For me, the New Year took place almost a year after my wife’s passing on the prior January 21st. All the grief counseling books tell you to brace yourself for important holidays and anniversaries, which can trigger memories and unlooked for bouts of grief, especially during the first year or so following the loss. I had weathered Christmas reasonably well, most likely owing to my being surrounded by my loving family. But I was unprepared for how the first “dropping of the ball” in Times Square would affect me.
First of all, January is a dark and lonely time, without much sunlight (strength, duration) where I reside. So when grief strikes, as it often does like a sudden flash flood, it is easy to sink into despair. It is cold…and dark…and lonely…and I am NOT just talking about the weather. For the first time in my life, I began to use and benefit from an S.A.D. light. (My departed wife suffered from “seasonal affective disorder,” or depression and sleep disruption resulting from light deprivation in the dark winter months—I used to refer to her obnoxious broad spectrum white light box as the “shekinah glory,” since you could see and feel the glow from two rooms away!) To this day I still use her light box during the dark times of January!
Second, I succumbed to my loneliness for the first time, and did some irrational things. I was in an “all of a sudden” panic to find someone to replace Karen, and the sooner the better! Yes (and I am embarrassed to admit it), I signed up on one of the many internet match-making services. But as soon as I had a nibble, I remember canceling my subscription in a panic—I was ill-prepared for the mid-life dating scene. (You can read about a much better and thoughtful approach in my book—“Transforming the Valley of Grief: Men Finding Hope and Their Way Following the Loss of a Love One” --available on amazon.com.)
If you or someone you know is facing his first not-so-happy New Year, having recently lost someone dear—be prepared for 1) the dark and lonely days of January, and 2) irrational decisions that can be made in the depths of loneliness. I know…I’ve been there!
Holidays can be tough for those who have recently lost someone dear. For me, the New Year took place almost a year after my wife’s passing on the prior January 21st. All the grief counseling books tell you to brace yourself for important holidays and anniversaries, which can trigger memories and unlooked for bouts of grief, especially during the first year or so following the loss. I had weathered Christmas reasonably well, most likely owing to my being surrounded by my loving family. But I was unprepared for how the first “dropping of the ball” in Times Square would affect me.
First of all, January is a dark and lonely time, without much sunlight (strength, duration) where I reside. So when grief strikes, as it often does like a sudden flash flood, it is easy to sink into despair. It is cold…and dark…and lonely…and I am NOT just talking about the weather. For the first time in my life, I began to use and benefit from an S.A.D. light. (My departed wife suffered from “seasonal affective disorder,” or depression and sleep disruption resulting from light deprivation in the dark winter months—I used to refer to her obnoxious broad spectrum white light box as the “shekinah glory,” since you could see and feel the glow from two rooms away!) To this day I still use her light box during the dark times of January!
Second, I succumbed to my loneliness for the first time, and did some irrational things. I was in an “all of a sudden” panic to find someone to replace Karen, and the sooner the better! Yes (and I am embarrassed to admit it), I signed up on one of the many internet match-making services. But as soon as I had a nibble, I remember canceling my subscription in a panic—I was ill-prepared for the mid-life dating scene. (You can read about a much better and thoughtful approach in my book—“Transforming the Valley of Grief: Men Finding Hope and Their Way Following the Loss of a Love One” --available on amazon.com.)
If you or someone you know is facing his first not-so-happy New Year, having recently lost someone dear—be prepared for 1) the dark and lonely days of January, and 2) irrational decisions that can be made in the depths of loneliness. I know…I’ve been there!
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