Metaphors for Grief

In the depth of my grief, when my wife of 30+ years succumbed to colon cancer, I found it helpful to think about my situation in terms of a metaphor. The metaphor I chose was that of a tsunami. You see, Karen was diagnosed the week after Thanksgiving of 2004, and died a mere 7 weeks later. Right in the midst of her struggle, a real tsunami took place off Sumatra, during which more than 240,000 people lost their lives to the great tidal wave that swept down upon them. Both “tsunamis” left devastation in their wake.

And why was a “tsunami” such a good metaphor for my experience? Well, first of all, it captured my sense of impending doom. I envision standing on the beach watching a real tsunami wave grow in the distance as it approaches the shore. One has a growing realization of what one in facing. And it isn’t good! Second, it captures the sense of helplessness. Again, one stands on the shoreline watching the approaching wave, and knowing that there is little you can do to forestall its coming or prevent the havoc it will wreak when it strikes the shore. About all you can do is hold hands and pray and watch it come. You want to run, but you realize you can’t outrun the destruction about to overtake you. And finally, after the wave has struck, you find her hand ripped out of yours, and yourself drowning in the surf, struggling to breathe, and clinging to the flotsam and jetsam of what you once called life. The shoreline is there—you can see it from the crests of the waves (but never from the troughs)—if you can only claw your way up the sandy slope against the undertow, knowing that she will not be there when you finally make it. You can see why this has been such a powerful metaphor for my loss!

In counseling men in similar situations, I encourage them to think of a metaphor for their loss. Was it like a tsunami? How so? Or perhaps your loss was more sudden, as with a freak accident or quick parting. Perhaps a tornado is a better metaphor? You emerge from the storm shelter to find everything destroyed…gone…and only you are left behind to pick up the pieces and rebuild…if you can. Or maybe your loss was long and drawn out…a never-ending “goodbye.” I’ll leave it to you to come up with your own metaphor. But as I urge in “Transforming the Valley of Grief” (Xulon Press), interacting with a metaphor of loss is a good way to process grief and to make progress toward healing.